In fact with marriage not in the picture due to the calluses on my heart I mentioned a few weeks ago for a long time. I had also decided that children even outside of marriage children won’t be an option either. Children I adopted won’t inherit the scary inherited problems I feared but, they could still appear in my life.
There are members of my family in previous generation that have had to deal with mental illness and chemical dependency. They struggled to fight against them and some worked hard to deal with them. It was so hard for me to watch as I was growing up.
As the over thinker in the family, I maybe the only one that even thought about the effect our heritage might have on the next generation.
As a Christian, I should have been able to let go and let God give me what he felt like I could handled but, for the longest time I couldn’t. I prayed that I could get past this barrier in my heart and mind. I prayed that my heart would long to have a family and that I would be up for the homework that God I would have to do to get past those barriers.
It took a long time to for me to I moved past the fears and see the hope I longed for. It took a wonderful prayer group and amazing Bible study to help support me in my desire to change. The ladies in both of these groups were like sisters to me and were my prayer warriors. My real life sisters along with my spiritual sisters helped me open up to the greatest gifts in my life.
Thankfully God willingly to massage my heart and mind set to see that he had something very special for me. Something that would give me hope instead of fill me with dread.
When I met my husband, I knew pretty quickly that he was the one that I wanted to build a family with. There had been amazing men in my life that I hadn’t been ready for. I am so glad that Jdaniel3 came into my life when I was finally open to having him be the one.
Amazingly there were no fears about having Jdaniel after years of fear! I feared instead that I won’t be given the opportunity to be one.
We were so excited when we found out we were being blessed with him.
My husband and my son have changed my life. I don’t know what the future holds in any of our lives. My family DNA could still effect my family, but I know we can work through them.
My husband pointed out from the beginning of our marriage that we would work through any problem that came up as a team. Those words meant so much to my still healing heart. They will be cherished by me forever.
Why am I writing about all of this now?
This post has been haunting me for a few weeks. I have tried to figure out how to put these thoughts in to post for awhile.
I don’t really know why I needed to write it but, I know I did. I am so hoping that if there is anyone that is struggling with these issues or similar ones you will be happy to know that you are not alone and that you can make it past them. If this post helps just one person realize that, it will be so worth my writing it.